Saturday 1 May 2010

Stationary Audit

Blog Scientists have been busy making rules that climate scientists should abide by. One of the as yet unchecked auditables of climate science is the stationary scientists use.

Why should this matter? Well, for example a pencil with insufficient nib circumference can lead to overtly thick lines being drawn, which may in turn lead to hard to interpret graphs, leading to mistakes and even the very corruption of science itself.

As another example, a biro may be half exhausted, merely scratching at the paper rather than leaving it's telltale clear and distinctive mark. Such scratches may be misinterpreted as actual data points.

So improper maintenance of stationary is a concern. For this reason I have compiled my own industry strength Principles of Stationary. In the post below I will outline these principles and then apply them to a random field of science to see if that particular field of science passes the test. I was surprised and very concerned to find that the randomly chosen field, climate science, fails abysmally to pass my Principles of Stationary. I won't bother applying the principle to other fields of science as I am sure they will pass.

Lead and Graphite Marking Instruments (pencils)

Above Image: traditional and modern methods of pencil manufacture (so obviously I know what I am talking about)
  • Principle 1a: A pencil should be sharpened immediately before use and observed closely throughout the work process for signs of blunting.
Such signs include a measured stress on strokes, subtle scratching sounds and minor fragmentation. On observing any of these signs the worker should immediately stop and resharpen the device before continuing.
  • Principle 1b: If a break must be taken midst work (undesirable), the pencil can not be assumed to have maintained the same sharpness on return.
For one thing a colleague may have wielded the device in your absence. Be sure to assess the pencil condition carefully on return. Remember: If in doubt, Resharpen.

Ink devices (pens)

They say that pens are mightier than swords. This is no joke. Special attention should be made when wielding a pen and careful maintenance is essential.
  • Principle 2a: Before use, pens should be dismantled and cleaned using light fabric and weak solvents. Reassemble the device with caution.
The maintenance of ink

Ink cartridges and ink wells must be treated with special care. The potential for ink spills is always high.
  • Principle 3a: Before any ink refill cover all surfaces in the vicinity with water proof coverings.

  • Principle 3b: Never use red ink when compiling maps of temperature.
Red ink spillages upon maps may result in inadvertent tax hikes and the collapse of the global economy.

Linear Measurement Instrumentals (rulers)

Rulers are especially dangerous as they can cause false trends.
  • Principle 4a: All rulers must be carefully analyzed under a microscope before use to ensure they are perfectly linear..
Criteria of Compliance

To ensure compliance with the Principles of Stationary scientists must assign identification codes to all individual units of stationary. A record sheet must be maintained and updated whenever a stationary instrument is utilized. Each record must contain:
  • The identification code of the utilized stationary item

  • The date and time the item was utilized

  • The intended use of the item

  • Details of the measurements taken (nib width, ink levels, etc)
Each record must be signed off by 3 independent scientists. These independent scientists must not be associated in any way with the same field of research or the same institution as the stationary user. They must also be entirely unconnected with the research yet understand it completely. To be properly independent they must not have previously utilized the same item of stationary themselves.
  • The stationary used to update the record sheet must also be recorded in the record sheet.
The record sheet must be appended to all published scientific papers as well as a copy being placed online on a publically accessible website so that Blog Scientists can look for problems to report to Fox News. In addition scientists must keep an up to date hourly photo record of all stationary instruments. Photos should be taken from above, below, left, right, front and back at 5 different zoom levels. These photos should also be uploaded to the website.

Failure to undertake any of the necessary compliance criteria will result in the underlying science being discredited and any theories in the field of science will become void.

Applying the principles to climate science

I was shocked to find that Climate Science fails all points of my principles. On all points they have either not applied my principles or have neglected to provide sufficient documentation. Therefore Not the IPCC.

A random paper I surveyed, Mann et al 1999, did not contain a Stationary Record Sheet! For this reason Mann does not received a Principles of Stationary compliance certificate from myself. Neither has anyone in IPCC headquarters contacted me about this. This is sheer negligence. Dangerous negligence.

Once Cuccinelli has finished having his go, I recommend that we next go after Micheal Mann's stationary. All pens and pencils that he's ever touched should be placed carefully into clear bags for CSI style analysis. We mustn't falter from inventing new ways of keeping alive the idea that Micheal Mann is hiding something.


  1. I look forward to your rules concerning calculators and the sufficiency of lighting, heating, ventilation and air conditioning in the climate science workspace, especially with regards to unconventional workplaces, e.g. on board research vessels and on top of ice caps.

    I am assuming that your accreditation from the Workplace Perfection Division (WPD) of the Scientific Accuracy Inspection Unit is up-to-date. If not, please create an impressive looking certificate with your name on it, print it off, get someone to sign it and put it on your wall - in true blog science fashion. Thank You.

  2. Why has no such study been carried out on the influence of incorrect desk height (I.D.H.) on Climate science? The science is void until the full effects of I.D.H. has been independently audited by honest brokers who have no expertise in I.D.H. Auditors should not have previously been in regular correspondence with anyone of any knowledge of I.D.H.

    One can only assume as I.D.H. has been totally ignored by activist Climate scientists, it critically undermines the case for anthropogenic Global warming.

  3. Inferno,

    Good to have you back with this incisive post.

    Some scientists might argue that complying with the Stationary Audit is an unnecessary burden, but clearly if they have nothing to hide, they should have nothing to worry about.

    Only the fraudulent charlatans will fear the audit.

    Science needs to be held to the highest standards and inspected with the white-hot flame of truth - nothing less will do. The science that survives the flame shall be declared pure, all else shall be cast aside.

    Science isn't about consensus, it is a selfless search for the truth, and it needs to be rigorous and open and absolutely without the slightest hint of malfeasance, real or imaginary.

    Stationary Audits are commonplace in industry and in the field of Information Technology. If we are expected to spends hundreds of trillions of dollars on the say-so of "scientists", a detailed Stationary Audit should be mandatory.

    Blog Science Expert Reviewer
    66 posts to Blog Professorship

  4. I think there should also be set up some stationary stationery stations, which could then be photographed, with said photos then being studied and used in imaginary studies to make lurid claims about poor siting, UHI and other things.

  5. Baron von Monckhofen2 May 2010 at 10:55

    A search in Google Scholar on the key words climate stationary gives 350,000 hits, so it is obvious that stationary is extremely important in climate research.
    Hence, the implications of climate researchers using substandard stationary is staggering. Independent auditors estimate that it can at least account for 40% of the alleged warming, which makes it second only to outright fraud due to hate for mankind as a source of errors and unreliability in the temperature record.

    Difficile est saturam non scribere

  6. Whilst I cannot help being impressed with your diligence in considering this sadly neglected field and its potential for causing trillion dollar errors Professor, it may (and I stress may) be the case that we are overlooking an even more commonly used scribing device in the modern working environment.

    How many times did the allegedly overworked Phil Jones check that the software his printer used was performing at 100% efficiency?
    That each and every .dll and .ini file was working at their optimum? If it wasn't documented it likely didn't happen.

    Did Mikey Mann check that the dithering process in his printer was performing to ISO standards before running off his spaghetti graph? Maybe he did, maybe he didn't but if it wasn't documented it likely didn't happen - again.

    Are our economies to be crippled and entire third world continents to be starved for want of a few stringent calibration tests before each and every printout?

  7. chek,

    Your comment on dithering got me thinking.

    What about anti-aliasing?

    Is it just a coincidence that wide-spread use of anti-aliasing algorithms started at about the same time as the climate hysteria? Was anti-aliasing invented to make fonts look better, or was the real reason to "hide the decline"? After all, you can anti-alias a line down a bit here, and up a bit there, and before you know it you have global warming!

    And is it just a coincidence that one of the programmers working on anti-aliasing was called Harry?

    I've now looked at a few graphs with a magnifying glass and my tentative conclusion is that ALL of the climate data has been anti-aliased.

    And what about ClearType (look it up on Wikipedia if you haven't heard about it)? All of our LCD pixels are being subtly manipulated without our explicit knowledge! Just like fluoridation.

    My head is spinning with the ramifications of chek's discovery. Is it even possible to buy non-anti-aliased software, and B&W monitors without ClearType? At least with fluoridation, my consumption of only rainwater and pure grain alcohol keeps me immune to its effects. However, how can I avoid anti-aliasing? We urgently need the development of anti-anti-aliasing glasses. Only when a large fraction of the population are wearing the glasses will the truth be shown.

    Blog Science Expert Reviewer
    63 posts to Blog Professorship

  8. Sledgehammer for the truth4 May 2010 at 06:33

    GODDAMN IT TO MERGATROID, it's good to have you back proclaiming truth and exposing nefariousity Infernal!!! Have you got any idea how difficult it is to make a case against the warm-head eco-nazi communists when all you've got for weaponry is Watts and McIntyre and that Rodney Dangerfield guy to lean on??!! It's like giving a starving man a picture of a feast and telling him to tighten the ol' belt a notch.

    I realize that breaks are important, but damn it man I almost had to start my own blog there just to keep myself convinced about the BS of all this BS. Please, consider your readers next time.

  9. Not a native speaker, but... isn't it stationery?

    (I know, I know... peer review. Old habits die hard)

  10. Svantes

    it depends on whether you are talking about immobile things (stationary stationery) or non-immobile things (non-stationary stationery). Stationary stationery is subject to two Laws:

    1. Hidethedeclineberg's Uncertainty Principle (which states that the more definite you are about where you left that pencil, the less likely it is to be found there);

    2. The Law of Diminishing Returns, which states that the more you look for it there, the more likely it is that the amount paid back to you by the tax office will be a lot less than you were expecting.

    I notice you mention peer review. The warmist eco-dictators and their lackeys (the so-called "scientists") make much of this process, but the fact remains that checking a paper for mistakes by placing it 200 metres away and peering at it is hardly adequate scrutiny. This process is often confused with pier review, which involves taking a book or article to the seaside, walking along a jetty and leaving it there for the pier to peer at.

    Of course, as any fule nos, the only valid method is Peer review, which is done by His Worshipness Sir Lord Viscount Monckton Earl of Benchseat.

  11. Dirk you make many good points and the ramifications are truly terrifying. I caught on to the whole fluoridation thing when I was in my teens. Ever since then I have never touched a drop of pure water, ethanol all the way.

    If we follow your chain of logic not only do we have to verify the monitors and printer software but ALL software, hardware, even the compilers. But wait how can we calibrate the instruments.

    WHAT IF the evil cabal of scientists have been meddling with the fundamental nature of reality? What is the LHC really for? At first I considered it merely as a weather machine, creating black holes to suck up any cold. But maybe it is really designed to alter all of reality itself and suck as into a Universe where global warming is real!!

    Truly scary stuff, no doubt all this proves the Club of Rome want to dominate the whole of reality and their evil scientific minions are handing it to them on a plate.

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