Monday 4 January 2010

A New Theory Of Climate

I have invented a new theory of climate that challenges science to it's core. This is probably the biggest thing since Ernst Beck decided to explore some chemical methods.

My findings do not agree with the climate models that conventionally thought that greenhouse gases, mainly CO2, are the major culprits for the global warming seen in the late 20th century. These following findings are totally unexpected and striking, as I was focused on finding a means to avert the coming ice age, rather than explaining global warming.

I have often framed the problem of the coming ice age in terms of a flu affecting the planet. A flu that requires a cure. Naturally I put myself in the position of the doctor. And so it was inevitable that I should stumble across a little known medical law called the Law of Similars.

Breaking into my books (not literally, I merely opened them), I studied this law in more detail. What I found took my breath away. According to the Law of Similars, substances that cause a characteristic symptom of a disease, without causing the disease itself, can be used in small concentrations to cure that disease. This seemingly counterintuitive idea agreed somewhat with my contrarian nature, so I researched it some more.

If we consider cooling a characteristic symptom of descent into an ice age, it therefore stands to reason that we may prevent an ice age through the application of a small quantity of a substance that causes cooling. Initially I envisaged the use of fleets of airships to hoist tons of ice crystals into the sky, but further research uncovered a remarkable fact of medicine that spares such effort. It turns out that the smaller the concentration of ice crystals released into the atmosphere, the greater the potency of the payload. Another counterintuitive result, also one which so-called "experts" ignore, so I must be on the right track.

Running the math through in detail, I discovered the necessary amount of ice was less than one billion billionth of a single ice crystal. Therein lied a problem. How could I measure out such a small quantity of crystalized ice? I did some more reading and found that the medical profession has an ingenious solution. A series of successive dilutions can produce a substance with the necessary low concentration of crystalized ice. The procedure is as follows:

1. Take a container and drop into it one part ice crystals and 99 parts water. Seal the container and shake like mad so that the ice crystal is dilluted into the water. Really shake it, this is very important. One part of the substance will now contain 0.01 parts ice crystal. The substance now has 1c potency where c stands for centesimal.

2. Take another container. Drop one part of the 1c substance into the container and add 99 parts water. Seal the container and shake again. This will result in a substance with 2c potency. Each part is of the substance now contains 0.0001 parts ice crystal.

3. Continue the above process until 30c potency is achieved. From that container take a single drop of the substance. This single drop will contain 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 drops of ice crystal*. This one drop must be delivered into the atmosphere. Preferably from on top of a high mountain so the release will be closer to the sky. As long as the science holds, and I see no reason why I would ever be wrong, this act should be enough to reverse an ice age.


I figured out the final step of my climate theory on a busy train during my rush hour commute into work, thanks to a sudden bout of Thinking Inside the Box. "Hang on!" I exclaimed in sudden realization, "this mixing process..isn't this something that nature might already be doing up there inside the sky?!". My fellow passengers having adapted to the silence of the carriage and being unaquainted with blog science were startled by my sudden outburst. I imagine much like how ancient greeks must have been startled by aristotle running past them naked through the streets.

With no time to spare I snatched a newspaper and started scrawling eratic sketches, sketches of big swirly hurricanes, snow flakes and lightning storms with arrows flying hither and whither. All the while exclaiming my disjointed thoughts out loud for the benefit of my fellow passengers so they may be privy to a moment of scientific history.

The excitement was thick in the air, one man tried to make me stop - saying I was sure to scare his daughter if I continued. I barked something at him, I can't remember what, I think it was something about hitler youth - although I now think someone else said that. In anycase it must have put his mind at ease for he didn't bother me again, instead he quickly withdrew with his daughter to the adjacent carriage and courteously locked the door so I would not be further interupted.

At this point I ran out of paper, I had even used up all the empty boxes in the crossword. I turned instead to the windows, drawing cryptic symbols and equations on what little morning condensation remained. As I ran out of space I would leap over the seats to the next window, much to the suprise and screams of seated passengers. When I ran out of condensation on the windows of the carriage I started to huff great bellows of my own breath on them to produce more, all the while running up and down the carriage to inspect my prior notes. I was muttering scientic phrases very loudly at this point, "newton", "sunspots", "orgone", etc.

The passengers were most kind in making room for me, for the most part abandoning their seats and huddling together at the opposite end of the carriage. Just as I was admiring how impressed they were with my intellect, a police officer stepped forward and ruined everything by demanding I cease. "Cease?!" I exclaimed in exasperation, "are you actually and literally mad?!". He insisted I cease or I should be arrested. I tried to explain I was having a breakthrough, but he was having none of it. Realizing I had little time to spare, I instinctively started reciting passages from The Falsification Of The Atmospheric CO2 Greenhouse Effects Within The Frame Of Physics at him, at speed, in a bid to slow him down. But this wasn't the internet and so the effort failed. I was arrested for "disturbing public order" or some nonsense.

In retrospect I do not know how a police officer would find his way onto a moving train, I can only conclude that I was being followed the whole time. Perhaps he was under the employ of the United Nations. And so this is why I cannot prove my theory today as I lost most of my notes through evaporation. All I can remember is that it has something to do with the succussing power of hurricanes. All I can do is reconstruct a diagram based on what is left of my tattered notes.

My thoughts are that we must do something quickly as blog science is showing we are rapidly entering an ice age of no return. The main solution I can think of right now is to release the previously mentioned ice crystal solution into the atmosphere. Oh and also drastically reduce taxes.

* Use of exponentials is scientifically improper


  1. Baron von Monckhofen4 January 2010 at 13:32

    Inferno wrote: "I imagine much like how ancient greeks must have been startled by aristotle running past them naked through the streets."

    I know my classics, and I'm certain it wasn't Artistotle. It was Hercules, who was taking a bath and suddenly cried out: "Hercules! I've found it!" and ran naked through the streets. Quite a sordid story, if you are asking me. As you naturally are.

    But obviously your brilliant discovery has something to do with orgone. And we all know that orgone is important for the climate. Remeber the Orgone Institute of Science and Medicine who has a list of more than 30,000 world-leading scientists who are suing Al Gore for the AGW fraud.

    "Πες το, πες το, το κοπέλι, κάνει την κυρά και θέλει."

  2. All your notes lost due to evaporation, that sounds like an warmist conspiracy! Which made me think, are all these stories about global warming not just meant to lull us into thinking there won't be a next ice age?

  3. Dr Inferno, I can confirm your brilliance. Last night after reading your post I scraped a small piece of ice from my feeezer and dilued it as you suggest. Just to make sure that the mixture was really well mixed I put it into my microwave as the turntable helps with mixing. I then went to the top of the nearest hill and released the mixture.

    The results were dramatic! This morning there was 15 cm of snow on the ground in my garden, Beijing has had the heaviest snow in 60 years, Florida's orange crop is threatened, Seoul has been buried by snow etc.

    I bow my head in honour of your genius - global warming is cured (not that there ever was any of course).

    Actually it's a bit too cold here now - my prized Japanese Maple is starting to look a little sad in the garden. I might try to create a bit of warming by trying the technique in reverse using a drop of water from my kettle. Watch this space!

  4. HoHo, the warmists never cease their attempts to hoodwink blog science. Look at this graph, purportedly of CO2. Even assuming it's accurate, is there any legitimate reason to start from yellow and go to red? Why couldn't it start a nice light turquoise, and turn to lavender?

    Obviously, because Al Gore wanst us to think the planet is on fire! Thank goodness Dr. Inferno has proven the opposite!

    Please let us know next time you have a brilliant flash of genius, if you need help making bail.

    Here, the link to the nefarious graph referred to above:

  5. Dr Inferno,

    Yoursolution continues to work brilliantly. We had 10 inches of snow last night, Gatwick airport in the UK has closed for the day due to snow, and even the Thames has frozen (Ok I might be getting carried away). Truly warming is banished and the ice age has started.

    Please can you tell me how to reverse the effects now as I am getting a bit scared actually....

  6. Baron von Monckhofen9 January 2010 at 10:45

    OT, but I was very impressed by this reflection by Stefan over at

    Really, please let them start talking about “climate chaos”. That’ll be the final nail in this as far as the majority of the public are concerned. We have the common sense to know that once it’s “chaos”, that means nobody knows.

    Indeed, if somebody warns about chaos, it means nobody knows and hence it can be ignored.

    Alea iacta est

  7. I know I'm probably a few days too late in suggesting this, but might we have a year end round up of, let's say, the Top 40 final nails in the bloated coffin of AGW?

  8. I applaud your efforts... paranoid schizophrenics like you need to keep busy, even if their activity feeds into their mental illness, but it keeps them off the streets... while you blog you can't interere in our daily lives!

    Keep it up!

    On the science... you evidently haven't studied much beyond GCSEs, so it would be unfair to slate your poor efforts.

  9. I also applaud your efforts. Redolent of Richard Marsh's _The Beetle_. Bravo!

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