Top 10 Tricks to Find That Temperature Trend You Always Dreamed Of

1) What is a trend?

A trend is a line you can cross through a graph to make the science go away. You can use a nice thick pen or an electronic paint brush to do this. Trend lines have been a key resource in the battle against data.

Cross out that data and it no longer counts

2) I saw a graph I don't like. Can I cross it out?

Yes, but you have to be careful. You can't just put any old line through it. It has to be a very specific and carefully chosen line. If you draw a trend line through data incorrectly you might inadvertently make the data appear alarming. Most trends in data these days are alarming, so if you don't know what you are doing you seriously risk making the data look worse. Trend divination is a skilled art. You need to be adequately trained in the ways of blog science and scientific obstructionism before you can begin crossing out graphs at will. When in doubt defer to the professionals, some of us are paid to do this kind of thing afterall.

3) How many possible trend lines are there?

A lot. Of different lengths and gradients through different types of data. Far too many in my opinion, reflecting the ridiculous size of the federal government.

4) Okay, so how do I carefully choose a trend line?

You need to be well aware of what makes a good trend and what makes a bad trend. Bearing this in mind the choice can nevertheless be quite fiddly at times; imagine if you will picking a small fruit off a tree. You don't want to pick any old fruit, you want to pick the best one you can.

5)  What makes a good trend line?

Long flat trends are good. Steep trends are always bad. If in doubt, remember the rythme: Long and low, taxes no. Steep and high, freedom bye. Imagine a trend line being a bit like a low bridge spanning an alarming ravine, which will in effect make it less alarming. You want to find the longest flattest line you can.

6) So I have my trend, what do I do now?

If you find a good trend you need to parade it before to your local media, while reciting its properties over and over. How long is it? I have a big one, mine is 18 years and 11 months long. This proves nothing has happened for almost 19 years.

7) What happens if your trend goes short

Even the best trend will on occasion suddenly go short. This seems to happen roughly every 5 years or so, meaning there is absolutely no trend in the breaking of trends. If you are inexperienced you might panic and question the validity of your method when you wake up to find your treasured 19 year trend fallen. But once you get good at this you will be able to simply advance the beginning of the trend forwards a few years and trawl the news for excuses. El Nino, communists, Obama. All these things are valid reasons to cite.

8) What if I can't find a trend that works?

Sometimes try as you might you just can't find a sufficiently long flat trend to make a scientific record go away. This is a sure sign that particular scientific record must be fraudulent, even if you swore by it before. True data will always conform with political reality. Perhaps it is time to check scientists emails and investigate their NetFlix accounts to see what movies they've been watching.

9) Where can I find good trends?

These days I find I am only satisfied with a good lower troposphere satellite trend. That said there are some fantastic up and coming trends on other planets where we have little to no data.

10) What does it mean for a trend line to be "not significantly different from zero"?

Statistical significance is a concept invented by statisticians in order to prove nothing alarming can ever happen. If a trend is not statistically significant from zero it means the trend is 100% confirmed to be exactly zero and therefore our taxes, if there must be taxes, would be better spent elsewhere.

As an example imagine Bob sets out from home one morning to go to work. He travels either East or West. Because we don't know in which direction he has gone, or how far he travelled, this proves he hasn't left the house.

The Vineyards of Vostok

Photo of an Antarctic Vineyard, reconstructed from a French Vineyard proxy

Vikings fighting on the Antarctic Peninsula. Note the lack of sea ice.

Long ago the world was a much warmer place; The oceans boiled at the equator and griffin were seen flying as far North as Lancaster. Less well known are the Vikings, a fierce people from Northern Europe who travelled the world in ridiculously long boats, performing various acts that would ultimately derail the globull warming gravy train, including:

1. Putting the word Green in Greenland to prove it had no ice whatsoever back then
2. Setting up vineyards all over the Earth to demonstrate how warm it was everywhere
3. Plundering the abbeys of the global warming high priests
4. Sodding off back to Denmark when it got cold, therefore proving how hot it must have been in the first place

Reconstructing the past

The Vikings also left us a variety charts and temperature records from that era. Below is a copy of a Viking temperature record spanning approximately 1000 years. To my mind this is the kind of graph I want to believe in. I have no idea the methodology by which the Vikings recorded temperature, nor do I really care. Lets not ruin a good chart by asking questions.

Viking temperature graph

Fun fact: We wouldn't even know about this graph if They hadn't published it in the original IPCC report by mistake. The graph was pulled from subsequent IPCC reports by order of Al Gore himself, proving how sneaky and meticulous They are at controlling what They release.

So what's the problem?

There isn't one, I don't see one. The climate always changes, that's what it does. Up, down, left, right, in, out, etc. If the world was now as warm as NASA claim the Vikings would have already returned by now. As it stands the silence of the Vikings speaks volumes.

IF there is one thing history teaches us it is that warmer periods are better for mankind than colder periods. The warmth of the so-called Dark Ages saw humanity thrive, for example, unlike the much colder and unfavorable later period known as the Enlightenment that saw nothing but stagnation.

There has been an Awakening

Mauna Loa, a desolate and windswept volcanic island located deep within the Pacific ocean. This is the mountain stronghold housing the last remnants of the climate science cabal. Beneath it's smoking slopes exists a vast labyrinth of laboratories, housing monolithic computers upon which an army of climate scientists endlessly toil, committing various arcane and blasphemous adjustments to raw data in a desperate bid to topple the global economy.

For over a decade the island has been relatively quiet, smoking ever so slightly. This era of peace was known as the Pause. But now rumor grows of a shadow in the Pacific. I fear a great El Nino may have stirred the island a little too much and woken up those who dwell within, driving them to fiddle data as never before.

Evidence, if you need it

I came to this realization last Thursday around lunchtime, as I was checking over some dusty old excel spreadsheets. I was horrified to find various climate records had turned alarming.

The above chart purports to show the annual increase of CO2 as measured at Mauna Loa itself. Whether carbon dioxide even exists at all is of course debatable, atoms being nothing more than a theory, but for the data to display 2015 as having the largest annual CO2 increase on record is unacceptably alarmist.

Above: Records of sea level and ocean heat also show recent highs. An observer untrained in the ways of blog science might even make the mistake of thinking the pause never happened.

A possible solution to the madness

I have theorized that if we could somehow bring the 1988 testimony of James Hansen to the volcanic peak of Mauna Loa and drop it into the fiery bowels of the infernal mountain itself, we would finally end the reign of Al Gore for good. It would be an arduous and perilous quest for some brave blog scientists, for Mauna Loa is said to be circled by predator drones controlled by the all seeing eye of Obama. Even more dangerous however is the corrupting nature of logic and facts. The person we send would have to carefully chosen, someone who possesses an inate immunity to reason. I would volunteer to do this myself, but I have been drinking a lot of wine lately and plan to drink quite a bit more.

The Disputed Cause of Rising CO2

Just a few years ago your eyes would have literally burned out from looking directly at this image. Today it is safe only because the Ice Age is coming.

There has been a recent upsurge of interest in denying humans are causing CO2 levels to rise. To help I thought I would type a quick cheat sheet for aspiring climate deniers.

Things That Must Not Be Blamed For Rising CO2

1. Human fossil fuel emissions

Things That Can Be Blamed Instead

1. Mauna Loa. A Big Volcano where scientists deliberately measure CO2.
2. Underwater Volcanoes. Scientists admit they haven't even found Atlantis yet so how can they possibly know how many CO2 spewing volcanoes are underwater?
3. Global Warming. Ice cores show the CO2 rise is caused by warming (remember to temporarily accept the validity of ice cores and the global temperature records).
4. ENSO. Same way the Moon causes sea level rise.
5. The Oceans. The oceans emit vast amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere every year. Just make sure not to mention how much they absorb. 
6. The Chinese. If the Chinese did it no-one can tax blame us.
7. Mars. CO2 from Mars's frozen ice caps have melted and are slowly seeping through the aether into Earth's atmosphere.
8. The Sun. That burning Sun must give off a lot of exhaust fumes.

Why not use a few of these on your favorite blog? Why not use them all? They are all just as good.

A New Theory of Climate

"Stop drinking the Kool Aid and learn how the Earths temperatures are controlled in the Book "Pyramid Gravity Force" available on Amazon, find out how mans penetration in Cheops the great pyramid of Giza, disabled the great pyramid of Giza which controlled the Hawaiian Island volcanic activity. Yes the Giza pyramid was the Earths thermostat until crazy humans broke it, read how the Earth has missed a few crucial mini ice ages and how we have a chance of saving the planet by getting the Giza pyramids back on line. Ancient Geo Engineering is real......And we still have a chance to save planet earth from the masive tectonic plate movement that are coming to blast us all into the stone age. Regardless of why the temperature rises on planet Earth, The pyramids are here to cool the planet down. These Earthquakes are just the beginning................"
http://www.pyramidgravityforce.com/

Say what you will about the theory, but it makes a hell of a lot more sense to me than Al Gores CO2 Tax Theory. Because they can't stand challenges climate scientists have systematically omitted any discussion of the Pyramid Gravity Force from the IPCC report. The IPCC report's supposedly exhaustive list of climate forcings fails to mention the Pyramid Gravity Forcing. Even though it is a man-made forcing the corrupt IPCC is loathe to accept the idea because it's shadowy puppet-masters can't levy taxes for it. The solution of shutting the Giza pyramid door to fix climate change is too simple and can't be used as an excuse for world government.

The book cover shows "how the gravity beam travels from the Great pyramid of Giza to the Hawaiian Island via ricocheting off of the gravity neutral zone near the solid iron core at the center of the planet."

Makes sense to me. A quick fact check confirms there is an Island in Hawaii so this appears to pass preliminary examination. The Pyramid Gravity Force theory of climate is just one of many equally valid theories of climate that are springing up every day to challenge Mann-made Globebull Warming. They are all just as likely. How confusing. We can't possibly understand how climate works if there are so many competing theories! All theories of climate should be taught in schools as equal and let the children decide which one they want to believe. Maybe turn off the heat in one of the classrooms and tell the kids if they want to believe in Al Gore's theory that warming is bad they will have to sit in the cold room.

Note I am not saying the Pyramid Gravity Forcing theory is necessarily true. All I am seeking to do is to spread doubt and confusion about the cause of climate change under the guise of "exploring different theories" while disassociating myself from the theories I advocate in order to maintain deniability, and no I am not copying WUWT, I thought of this plan myself.