Wednesday, 28 November 2012

The Disputed Cause of Rising CO2

Just a few years ago your eyes would have literally burned out from looking directly at this image. Today it is safe only because the Ice Age is coming.

There has been a recent upsurge of interest in denying humans are causing CO2 levels to rise. To help I thought I would type a quick cheat sheet for aspiring climate deniers.

Things That Must Not Be Blamed For Rising CO2
  1. Human fossil fuel emissions
Things That Can Be Blamed Instead
  1. Mauna Loa. A Big Volcano where scientists deliberately measure CO2.
  2. Underwater Volcanoes. Scientists admit they haven't even found Atlantis yet so how can they possibly know how many CO2 spewing volcanoes are underwater?
  3. Global Warming. Ice cores show the CO2 rise is caused by warming (remember to temporarily accept the validity of ice cores and the global temperature records).
  4. ENSO. Same way the Moon causes sea level rise.
  5. The Oceans. The oceans emit vast amounts of CO2 into the atmosphere every year. Just make sure not to mention how much they absorb. 
  6. The Chinese. If the Chinese did it no-one can tax blame us.
  7. Mars. CO2 from Mars's frozen ice caps have melted and are slowly seeping through the aether into Earth's atmosphere.
  8. The Sun. That burning Sun must give off a lot of exhaust fumes.
Why not use a few of these on your favorite blog? Why not use them all? They are all just as good.
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  2. The global conspiracy of climatologists is going to be exposed for the nefarious communist world domination plan. Really. Any year now.

    And of course the moon causes sea level rise. It's slowly increasing the diameter of its orbit, and as it moves further away it drags the oceans up with it.

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  3. The Sun causes rising, I've no doubt of that.

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    1. I thought yeast caused rising?

      Actually, yeast totally produces CO2 bubbles. It is all the fault of yeast!!!

      -MMM

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    2. I don't wake up for yeast.

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    3. If yeast is the cause of global warming then bring it on. Which is more important, the safety of future generations of humanity or beer?
      Anyway yeast is natural so it is fine and finally only eco-tards would want to ban god fearing upstanding Americans from burning fossil fuels and drinking beer!

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  4. Soon, the world's top climate experts, that is... your blog commenters, will contribute more sources of CO2 to the list. Here are mine:

    45. Melting glacial ice. Of course there's bubbles of CO2 trapped in the ice.
    87. People breathing out. More people = more CO2. Solution: Maybe some eco-volunteers could hold their breath for long periods of time.
    148. Cosmic Rays. Wasn't there peer-reviewed research on that or something? We'll get Monkton to look it up for us.
    157. Dead rotting plants, but widespread desertification is helping to solve that problem.
    257. Stonehenge. Its cosmic aura influences everything.
    284. Incineration of garbage. Poor people are at fault here as they are main source of garbage. There are just so many of them. They should become rich.
    325. Labour Unions: Every time they go on strike in the winter, they start burning scrap wood at the picket line in an empty 40 gallon drum while some strikers go for hot coffee and donuts.

    Poor people. Unions. Nature. Smells more and more to me like a crypto-Maoist plot. UN Agenda 21, perhaps. When they kick in my front door I won't be there. I'll be in the woods, in my tin foil tent. Or even worse... Agenda 22, the diabolical secret plan for world conquest, which is so secret that NOBODY knows of its existence, not even me.

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    1. Methane is another gas that has been accused of heating up the planet, but it too lags natural solar heating. And it is good for plants too! It helps plants like beans and onions grow. I had onions last night at dinner and I've been producing methane all day. Cows and sheep produce it too and they are natural, as is natural gas pumped from the ground to help us fight our reliance on foreign-made solar panels (built by Chinese economic imperialists) and wind-turbines (from smug bicycle-riding Danes).

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  6. It's beer. You frackers aren't drinking fast enough. Get them bubbles before they kill us all! Drink faster. Cheers!

    (Hoping this gets picked up by one of your charming contributors that sample random sections of previous posts, and links to something actually useful like pay-day loans.)

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  7. Baron von Monckhofen2 December 2012 at 04:51

    May I suggest that you change the title to "The Disputed Cause of Disputed Rising Disputed CO2?" In science nothing is settled: we don't know what causes the rise, we don't know whether it actually is rising, and we don't know whether it is CO2 or something else that possibly is rising.

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  8. My wife has studied this, and says it's a diet of beer, cabbage, popcorn, and beans. I know it may be methane, but it is harmful to inhale, just like CO2. I'm conducting some in-depth studies, and will post a peer reviewed published blog - on paper - so it can be accepted by the CAWG team.

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  9. Apparently, if all the Chinese were to breathe out at once, we'd reach a tipping point and temperatures would go through the roof. Ever since the Bionic Bomb was debunked by killjoy NASA physicists, this "CO2 Bomb" has perplexed NATO strategists.
    Conversely, if all the Chinese were to breathe in at once, the rest of us would pass out from lack of oxygen.
    The above facts make a complete nonsense of Lord Monckton's: "The Chinese are doing just fine. Nothing to worry about there."
    Come on, Big Chris! It's time you got it all together and changed your mantra to: "A CO2 fire extinguisher in every room, in every vehicle, on every power pole!"
    You know it makes sense!

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